I haven’t been honest lately. I also haven’t been at all inspired and I think these things may interlock. But today I am going to come clean.
I have left my job teaching kids age 12-15, to work as an educator at the Swedish Customs. Before I get any assignments educating, I am learning “all” there is to know about Customs, in a five month program. I am fully paid, earning more than I did teaching, and I have gained so many things by taking this chance. I have peace and quiet at work, which was well needed because I have a problem with my ear and my balance, all related to sound, and I was going crazy this fall. If you know anything about kids age 12-15, you know that in a crowd, they are LOUD. Things have become so much better at home because of my change of work; I have no stress about work ever; I am eager to help my own kids with their school work – something I never had the energy to do before, caring about every other kid but my own; I have time to do whatever I want during weekends and in the evenings; and our economy is better.
So what follows now is not a complaint. But there’s always another side to the story. And for me it’s this: My creativity is dying. When I have a lot to do at work I am doing fine, I feel useful and like I’m doing something worthwhile, and I am happy with my decision to change my career. Thing is though, that this job is slow. I haven’t done anything really useful for three weeks now, and it’s getting to me.
I miss the action of teaching, I miss being important in an organization and I miss being well-liked. It’s kind of an ego boost to be someone’s favorite teacher, and I was many kids’ favorite teacher. (And writing that down, my Swedish upbringing feels the need to say I’m not bragging) (but I’m proud of the fact that it actually is true)
Now I’m just another person at the office, and some of the people who has started this education in Customs with me, also don’t like me because the fact is I want things to happen, I can see where we could improve and I’m not afraid of saying so, and also, I want to work harder… Maybe they also don’t like me because I’m a terrible person, which I don’t think I am, but who am I to say. My guess is they are happy getting paid doing nothing, and I’m not, because to me, that’s cheating. I feel like cheating right now, as I am writing this when I should be doing something else. Trust me though, if I had a-nyt-hing else to do, I would do it. Ironically, this is the kind of time I wish I had as a teacher, but back then, I never had time, for anything. Funny how that works.
Back to the creative stuff, which has sort of always been my life line. When I have all this time at my hands, I should use it well. I should do the things I used to dream of but never had time for. But the only thing I do at the moment is grow vegetables and stress over bad weather. I can sit in total apathy at home, wishing I did something creative, not knowing what to do and where to start. Life is getting bland. Take away my mood swings and I’m not sure I have any mood at all. No mood, no passion, no nothing.
And do you know what happens when this gray filter falls over me? I start spending money. “If I buy this, I can do that”. I am not spending money on things for my home, but let me tell you, the stress I feel over not having everything looking the way I want it in my allotment, it’s draining the cash flow at our house and I know I need to stop now before I get us back into the debt that I so proudly just got rid of. Gardening ain’t cheap. But buying stuff is not what I’m about! So now I feel like a failure on so many levels, I don’t even know where to start.
You can see all the different paths intertwining, right? I still have two months of education before I can really start to work, and I need to get my shit together, quite frankly.
How’s that for trying to be honest?