There’s nothing like a new year to start fresh and get a kick in the butt to get things done, is there?
Too bad then that so far I can’t feel any joy at all when it comes to starting this new year off. If you like cheery blog entries with happy and encouraging messages, you probably should stop reading right about now.
I wonder if it is all a myth, you know? Being happy. Am I buying into a lie, is there really anyone out there who is truly happy? And if there is, how the hell do you do it?!
I won’t lie, I’m in a black hole right now, having one of my depressions where “feeling” anything isn’t really on the map. I am trying to live though it, trying not to think too much, trying to find anything that will make me feel something again. I’m not sure I’m doing too well.
I have cencured myself already in this post, now I’m just writing because I think I need to. I actually cried twenty minutes ago, and I am happy I did. I haven’t cried in a long time. I used to cry all the time, before my soul went numb. I actually used to be very emotional – happy, sad, excited, enthusiastic… Lately I’ve just felt — blank. Nothing. So when I actually cried (for about 20 seconds), I felt a bit of hope – although I cried from feeling hopeless, I think. Mixed emotions, huh? Hope because perhaps it is just a phase (again, like every year), and perhaps I won’t feel completely blank towards my husband and my kids? And perhaps I will find going to work on Monday totally okay? And perhaps being me isn’t the suckiest thing in the whole world?
Some people believe in some god or other, and I kind of envy that – having faith that we have a purpose in life. Me, I’m just fighting to try and figure out what my purpose is. The thing is I think most people in my life would do fine without me. I don’t think I add anything, really. I guess that feeling should be the reason to act, to commit and give back. It’s a viscious circle though, because I feel empty so I don’t have it in me to get involved, and not being involved makes me feel empty. Round and round it goes.
Man, being depressed is really depressing. I’ll try to heave myself out of this hole before writing again, wouldn’t want people being dragged down with me…
Happy new 2016.