Ugh. Back to work.

Man it was hard motivating myself yesterday to go to work today. I have said this before, and again – my main complaint for not liking my job is that it is very soul-less and boring (compared to my former life as a teacher which had perhaps too much soul and was never boring). It doesn’t really bother me as much to do boring stuff as long as I have things to do. But when the boring stuff also aren’t enough to fill the day, that’s when it gets extremely difficult for me to motivate myself to go to work. I like being productive and making a difference, or at least feel like I earn my pay. Also – having a full day at work gets the energy level up, and thus I am more productive when I get home too, whereas the opposite is also true.

The other thing about work is the very uninspiring office building, where “they” for some reason haven’t had any heat on what so ever during fall and December, so we’ve been freezing our butts off, wearing hats and even gloves (well, me, anyway) while working. Those two things were my main concern avout starting work again after the holidays. But of course I got up and went like the responsible adult person that I am.

So coming to work today felt a bit uninspired, knowing I was going to be chilled to the bones as usual, but – surprise! – someone has turned the heat up and now it’s actually pretty cozy in the office. Turnes out I did have quite a few things to do too, even though I didn’t think I did, which means time has flown by (up until the last hour or so).

What I wanted to say is that getting out of my own head is sometimes (often) necessary for me to feel good about life and myself. The dream of being independent and spending my time freely might not be the thing that suits me the best. 

That, my friends, is the important insight that I take with me as I crawl up from the black hole I spent the holidays in. 

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A happy new year?

There’s nothing like a new year to start fresh and get a kick in the butt to get things done, is there?

Too bad then that so far I can’t feel any joy at all when it comes to starting this new year off. If you like cheery blog entries with happy and encouraging messages, you probably should stop reading right about now.

I wonder if it is all a myth, you know? Being happy. Am I buying into a lie, is there really anyone out there who is truly happy? And if there is, how the hell do you do it?!

I won’t lie, I’m in a black hole right now, having one of my depressions where “feeling” anything isn’t really on the map. I am trying to live though it, trying not to think too much, trying to find anything that will make me feel something again. I’m not sure I’m doing too well.

I have cencured myself already in this post, now I’m just writing because I think I need to. I actually cried twenty minutes ago, and I am happy I did. I haven’t cried in a long time. I used to cry all the time, before my soul went numb. I actually used to be very emotional – happy, sad, excited, enthusiastic… Lately I’ve just felt — blank. Nothing. So when I actually cried (for about 20 seconds), I felt a bit of hope – although I cried from feeling hopeless, I think. Mixed emotions, huh? Hope because perhaps it is just a phase (again, like every year), and perhaps I won’t feel completely blank towards my husband and my kids? And perhaps I will find going to work on Monday totally okay? And perhaps being me isn’t the suckiest thing in the whole world?

Some people believe in some god or other, and I kind of envy that – having faith that we have a purpose in life. Me, I’m just fighting to try and figure out what my purpose is. The thing is I think most people in my life would do fine without me. I don’t think I add anything, really. I guess that feeling should be the reason to act, to commit and give back. It’s a viscious circle though, because I feel empty so I don’t have it in me to get involved, and not being involved makes me feel empty. Round and round it goes.

Man, being depressed is really depressing. I’ll try to heave myself out of this hole before writing again, wouldn’t want people being dragged down with me…
Happy new 2016.

 

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Minsgame day 27 (some) and 28 (most)

I didn’t throw (or give) away 27 things yesterday, instead I just had a nice day with my husband. I wouldn’t say I’m out of the game because of that, I’m just 20 items behind, which means 48 to throw away today. 

I went down to our storage room in the basement and found a couple of more things, but really, I will also post a picture of what our storage looks like, just to show why this is getting so hard right now.

First this: Twelve random paper things, a hat, nine rolls of old wallpaper, eight letters, three birthday cards, a paint can that broke when we moved, two parts of a shelf, three parts of another shelf, a desk (that’s 40)… 

…I’m pretty sure I can come up with eight more today, but then there’s 90 more before this month is up. And these posts are getting really boring too! Ha! I don’t want to quit, but I think I will anyway. I think I did a good job and I’m happy with how this worked out. 

Here’s the picture of our storage room. Does it look like it’s a lot in there still? Then keep in mind that this is ALL the storage space we (a family of four) have, which means this is all the things we now own, except what has a place in our apartment. In the storage we keep camping stuff, a box for Christmas decorations, some tools, stuff for the car, an extra bed for when the cousins visits…)

 

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Minsgame day 27

It isn’t easy keeping stuff to a reasonable amount when it comes to kids. Christmas doesn’t make it easier, but finally my parents and my sister is getting the message – rather fewer things that the kiddos use than showering them in things they don’t need (or want, in some cases). This Christmas was great because the presents the kids got all fit in their rooms with just a few rearrangements (for the better). A few things moved on to the give-away-box too. Perfect!

Today’s round: Two movies (Willow and Curious George), a ring binder, two cute boxes, a sweater, a blouse….

You know what, I give up! Or, add 20 items till tomorrow because I haven’t been rummaging through my things today. The kids went to my parents for the day (and are sleeping over until tomorrow), and hubby and I went to the movies, had lunch out and went for a long walk. Better than shedding stuff, I think 😉

 

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Minsgame day 26

21 more books from my youth,  a plush toy, an instruction book of some sort, a belly dancing belt, two CDs.

 

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Minsgame day 25

I am pretty glad I started this minsgame in December, because after yesterday’s Christmas celebrations, it feels like more stuff is coming in than has left the building… I’m chugging on, though.

Two lamps, a star for the Christmas tree top, Christmas tree lights, a hanger, five tea lights, and ten books from my daughter’s room (she inherited them from me but there are so many books out there, she doesn’t need bad literature for Tweens from the nineties…).

 

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Minsgame day 24

Today is Christmas Eve and in Sweden this is the day we celebrate with our families, give gifts and so on. I’m still doing the minsgame though, and before we go over to my parents’ house, we will go out and have a long walk. It’s about creating memories and not getting things, right? 

Today’s shed: two books, two storage boxes, a grammar book, a large stone (yes I know – I’m a stone collector, can’t even blame the kids for this one!), an odd sock, a photo frame, three more large plastic carrying bags, six bath towels, an extension cord, a bra, a sweater, our LAST moving box (whoop whoop!!) and three knick  knacks from my bedside table (which turned out to be full of crap…!).  

 

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